Demystifying BDSM

I figure this is as good a place as any to start. I know when I first started accepting my kinky wants and began doing research (I have some really weird Google search histories) I had a hard time seeing the difference myself.

BDSM

I can only imagine what those who don’t have such desires think. But there are a few very clear distinctions between what is abusive behaviour and what is a great Friday night for some people:

Consent

You’ve probably heard this word being thrown around a lot if you’re go anywhere near the popular social media websites. If you aren’t familiar with it’s definition, it basically means “gaining permission”. When I really, really want to do horrible things to a person we have a very long talks about exactly what we would be doing and how; making sure it is what we both want to happen. I’ve repeated this process many times over the years before ever laying a hand, or flogger, on someone. Because consent is a thing in my world.

Intent

There is a lot to be said for why you do something. I whip out my bag of toys and reenact scenes from The Spanish Inquisition because it makes us both happy and horny. It’s done out of a place of love and respect, because to us that’s part of how we show it. I have never once raised a hand in anger towards another person. Because I can strike her pretty much whenever I want to, doesn’t mean I should. If I’m being physical out of anger or to control her against her will, that’s where it crosses into abuse in my book.

Education

Believe it or not, there is a metric shit ton of stuff I know about anatomy, psychology, and biology; simply because I need to. I need to in order to hurt her in a good way. I need to in order to be sure I don’t actually harm her. I attend classes and seminars. I do online research. I talk to people who specialise in things I want to learn. I do what I do in the safest possible manner.

Safety

As an extension of education, safety is something we covet. We acknowledge that what we do is inherently unsafe, but we strive to make it as safe as possible. Knowledge of bone structure, locations of nerve clusters, awareness of unprotected internal organs, and always having related equipment within reach are things we teach and preach. I have nearly as many items in my bag that are safety related as I do ones to hurt someone.

Limits

I can’t walk up to someone, even someone I’m in a relationship with, and just do whatever I want. My partner has limits. They get to define the extent of what I can do. They get to define the things they are comfortable with me doing. They get to pick what toys they refuse to play with, what sensations they never what to feel, and they get to do so whether or not I agree. Most importantly, even if we are doing something they have agreed to, they have the power to stop everything with a single word.

 

Look, I know Hollywood and various books have given many people preconceived notions about BDSM. The most recent popular series portrayed the kinky person as a mentally disturbed, stalking, domineering, sociopath who ends up being cured of kink (spoiler alert). We in the community despise the overly sensationalised misrepresentation of our lifestyle. I can’t explain to you why I like what I like, anymore than you can tell me why you love Rocky Road ice cream.

You just do.

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