The Orgy Of Christmas Past

As Christmas is the primary event in the Christian calendar one could be forgiven for thinking that it is devoid of any kind of sexual undertone outside of a modern context. After all, nobody associates the church with sexuality, or at least not the kind that people naturally want to talk about at Christmas.

christmasangels

Still, a peek at the history of December 25th shows that choosing that specific date for the birthday of Jesus is in sexual abstinence terms, about as contradictory as the Klu Klux Klan releasing a hip-hop album featuring Tupac.

Naturally Christmas is of course, all about sex. By that I mean far more than getting drunk and waking up with a work colleague or the record amount of red and white lingerie sold at this time. Seemingly historically it did used to be a lot to do with celebrating sexuality.

It is surely no secret that early Christianity borrowed from a number of other faiths that were around at the time of its immaculate conception and even left clues about it. There are parallels between the ‘story’ of Jesus and the ‘myth’ of Adonis; God of certain types of Greek porn (also did the zombie resurrection thing). Where did this Christmas tree thing come from? Maybe Myrrha: the mother of Adonis, who turned into a Myrrh tree in order to give birth to him. Myrrh was one of the gifts given to Mary. How difficult would it be to write a decent ‘get wood’ joke from that? You would be surprised.

Can you picture a pregnant Egyptian goddess as your tree? Should you? Did your tree have sex? ‘God’ is of course, no longer a valid fathers name on the birth certificate without a social security number.

Naturally, the date of Christmas and the festival leading up to it were celebrated long before Christian times and Saturnalia appears to be its closest ancestor. History of stuff can be complex yet Roman history often reveals orgies somewhere.

In recorded days gone by amongst Christians the (lower case) word “saturnalia” came to mean orgy.

Orgy comes from “orgia” meaning “secret worship”.

The Saturnalia festival in Rome was something else. The ordinary rules of life were subverted and laws were ‘relaxed’. Sexual prohibitions were suspended and debauchery was encouraged. In terms of how much progress has been made by human evolution since then that has to be a cluster-fuck of issues right there. Rome did have slavery. People fought to remove that. Today people fight against slavery in less of the world as well as the freedom to practise fantasy enslavement in other parts. Clearly progress.

If we were in ancient Rome, we would now be in the week of the ‘Lord of Misrule’.

It seems that they chose their equivalent of an activist/terrorist and made them the ruler for a week around about now. Clearly this was a society before social media. Can you imagine if for the next week you were only allowed into a supermarket if your body was 20% covered in butter or the electricity only came on when you texted a picture of a neighbour sitting naked in your fridge to a certain number? If we were sent back in time then many of us would surely be considered for that list by the Romans. What would you do if you were made ruler for a week? Should we bring back Saturnalia?

Adonis is connected in different ways to Aphrodite and Bacchus, also to Dionysus. All of which are connected to elements of sexuality much more than other deities they could have chosen to reference at Christmas.

Alastor is for example God of family feuds. Surely this would be on the list for consideration as the pressure cooker of the festive season can be all sorts of bananas for any relationship. In romance at Christmas it’s more statistically likely people drink so much they fall asleep or fall off the bed mid sex because of a sudden chocolate overdose induced leg cramp than at any other time of the year.

It is also surely the most often invoked festival in the bedroom, the time anyone could say “let’s do that thing we talked about - it’s Christmas!”

It is up to us to see that as Freudian ‘repressed sexuality’ or the call of ancient deities encouraging us to celebrate Saturnalia, whatever makes you happy.

Happy Christmas Everyone!