Ah, the time is upon us once again when the witches and ghouls will decide to wear costumes like the “slutty pirate” and “The Dick.” Yes, seeing a large cock and balls walking down the street accompanied by a nun with more cleavage than Elvira Mistress of the Dark means that Halloween is upon us once again.


I love Halloween. Jenny, that prude from accounting, decides that the naughty nurse is appropriate work attire and your boss can’t figure out why everyone is laughing at him because he’s dressed up as a hammer i.e. a tool.

Many people think Halloween is a holiday for kids filled with creepy costumes and bellyaches from too many Kit Kats and Jelly Babies. The reality is that it’s also a time when adults can stop being who they are and be who they really want to be. Costumes are great like that. If you wear a mask, then it’s not really you. You can tell off that jerk that stole your last girlfriend or slap the bitch that told everyone you had herpes.

You can go to the backroom and hump like wild monkeys because it’s not really you doing it. It’s like your alter ego, a really horny Clark Kent. Why do you think there are so many provocative costumes for adults? Men go around wearing togas and loincloths and women are sexy witches. The costumes are not only provocative, but the fabric is so thin it comes off faster than it goes on.

Costume balls have been all the rage for centuries. They’re celebrated in classical literature like Romeo and Juliet. It was the only way Romeo, a Montague, and Juliet, a Capulet, could meet without starting a war. When you wear a mask or a costume, all pretences are gone. You’re no longer the loner, the loser, the funny one, the slutty one, the boring one, etc. You can be whoever and whatever you want to be. Anonymous.

One of my favourite movies is “Waxwork.” It’s all about a waxwork museum that allows people to enter the scenes, where they are killed so the wax people can come to life. Deborah Foreman played this shy girl, who voluntarily walked into the Marquis de Sade scene to be whipped because she liked it. Imagine a holiday where everyone can do that. We all wear masks in our lives that hide who we really are, and it’s ironic that the holiday where everyone wears real masks is the one where we reveal our true selves. Happy Fornicating!