Is That A Wooden Stake In Your Pocket?

Nosferatu was creepy. Hammer Horror had Christopher Lee. Before the millennium, Brad Pitt was interviewed as one and ‘Twilight’ is in the modern lexicon. We have been going crazy for bloodsucking ever since Vlad did his first impalement. Even David Bowie appeared in a movie about Vampires.

So what is it about Vampires that fascinates us so? Naturally the whole thing is about sex.

Vampires don’t want a relationship, they rarely sleep, they won’t want to meet your parents (they never show up in family photos anyway) and they have an insatiable appetite for all things carnal. I wondered why there weren’t more Vampires in porn until I realised that there are, we just can’t see them.

How would you like to be a director of an “adult reproductive documentary” at the moment when you noticed that one of your actors is not showing up on the monitors? I guess in the industry one now has to declare if you are a Vampire to save on that kind of confusion. One imagines that vampires mainly find jobs as ‘fluffers’. Also if you look closely enough it is still possible to tell which films they worked on by the fact that all cast members have got two barely noticeable genital piercings. If a Vampire is biting someone with a questionable sexual history, do they have little condoms for their fangs?

Anyway, the paradox remains that if you do see a vampire on film, it means they aren’t a real one. So maybe they cannot get work on screen but off-screen they are still some of the most in demand lovers in the human psyche. Some boyfriends may be in two minds about it but you can be sure that a vampire will be happy to give a girl oral sex every day of the month, just sometimes you will have to bring garlic to bed to make them stop.