How To Tell If You Are An Alien

You must know this feeling: sitting any kind of exam, in that moment when your mind goes blank and everything you studied seems to melt and you wonder if it’s possible that you have actually swallowed your own brain. Have you ever had that feeling when thinking about sex?  

More than likely if you answered yes then you are from another planet and are reading this in the long distant future after human civilisation is either long gone or off spreading its charming madness around other parts of the Milky Way. Whilst you are there doing intelligent things; like studying this galaxy, we are out there somewhere in bed with it. Or at least buying it a drink and making very suggestive eye contact. Either that or our ghosts are invisibly doing it all around you, while you’re in your spaceship. I hope you are ensured for ectoplasm!

So you have travelled a long way and you want to know something about humanity. How long did it take after inventing the vibrate function on a mobile phone before someone thought about using it in the bedroom? Zero seconds, that’s exactly how long. We actually measure it in minus seconds. The idea was almost certainly ­thought of before the drawing of the first prototype was even finished. It is after all a well-known fact that we only got to the Moon because the head technicians wife told him she wanted to try anal for the first time if the mission was a success. Somewhere in the data banks, there will be references to the human phrase to ‘moon’ someone. That is where it got the name. I hope that helps.

So how long after the first point of contact will it be until people start to create porn with Aliens? Oh, what’s that? Someone has already? We have even proved they, oh never mind!