Would You Fist David Cameron?

You probably noticed that David Cameron still has that same face and also has recently banned many activities in UK porn. The published list of freshly banned activities is strangely written, the announcement is quite random, unless they have black ops working behind them, but that would be crazy.

It is better to approach it open hearted and see that he is trying to communicate with us. We should understand that this is a cry for help and not simply a step back to the dark ages. Let us remember that the published list probably took him some time and effort, try to understand that he is just a man who went to Eton. He clearly has some trouble letting go of whatever happened to him there and this is the closest you may ever get to understand him as a human. Try to understand his situation because some people just want those things in life that are frowned upon in prime ministers and he clearly spends a lot of time thinking about those exact same things.

Maybe it is time for him to let it go, our chance to listen…

1. Spanking is banned.

 'Spanking is the act of striking the buttocks of another person to cause temporary pain without producing physical injury.' – I am sorry if you were spanked at school David. I guess you should feel lucky considering what you are doing now.

Porn loophole - just say it didn’t hurt and /or it were CGI.

2. Caning is banned

'Caning is a form of corporal punishment with a cane applied to the buttocks or the soles of the feet (bastinado). – Clearly things did not stop for scallywag Cameron and it is not surprising he was caned more than once for his attitude. He wants you to know it really hurt and is not okay anymore… okay!

Still, if it isn’t a cane then its fine right? (The next rule shows you are allowed to use certain things, whips for example. What does this tell us more about him?)

Porn loophole – It was CGI.

3. Aggressive whipping is banned

So non-aggressive whipping is ok. No problem as we didn’t mean it? By definition this means that a whip is not automatically associated with violence. If a whip can be non-aggressive then think about the next point whilst dwelling on the specific distinction he has drawn in object use.

Porn loophole – it wasn’t a whip or a cane. It was a wand.

4. Penetration by any object “associated with violence” is banned

I know that the British Prime Minister mentions consent later in the list but how far are we expected to believe his adventure at school really went? Mentioning the difference between aggressive and non-aggressive whip use just before this point creates the grey area that may or may not be what Eton taught him.

Does it mean that women are no longer allowed to be fed grapes in UK porn? Snow White was poisoned with an apple; it is an object and isn’t putting it in your mouth penetration if someone else is holding it? Is that not a famous film? Will they leave this Christmas favourite untouched or are we already there? Surely it is all about language. If you don’t associate an object with violence then what will happen?

Porn loophole – It was CGI or uploaded in Europe or why don’t you go put grapes up his nose.

5. Physical or verbal abuse (regardless of consent) is banned

This is ridiculous in context of mainstream TV. Also, if something is consensual with no confusion between adults then it is not abuse so the point makes no sense both ways. Did you give your consent for something at school that you want to talk about Prime Minister?

In terms of porn – Consensual abuse makes no sense. It is like saying consensual theft. Just carry on.

6. Urolagnia (known as “water sports”) is banned

Naturally you know the UK government position on Coprophilia, something told me that if you can’t shit on people on television anymore then pissing was probably next. Once again, it is a specific point that he wants us to know is not ok. Ok. Pissing on David Cameron is now illegal and it will be two crimes if you put something in his mouth. – I don’t know what he agreed to at school but he wants us to know this is not okay anymore.

Porn loophole – CGI / Europe etc.

7. Female ejaculation is banned

Yet Male ejaculation is allowed. How do they think tank this stuff?  This tells us a lot about David. If you want to see any number of penises squirting then it’s fine but no vagina squirting. What did they do to him at that school?

Porn loophole – It was CGI/ I was peeing quickly for a short time but not on the other person/ why does anyone even have to think about this?

8. Strangulation is banned

You saw the way his list built up. You know the kind of things he has been through. Let us just move on from this one and try to realize that the man in charge of the UK didn’t have an easy time.

Porn loophole – I could breathe the whole time.

9. Face-sitting is banned

Was it Matron? Was it Mother? Whoever it was, it clearly had a deep effect on David. So much so that we now have to deal with it today, however once again as with all these rules, I can mostly only say WTF. He is running low on tolerance and someone should probably intervene.

Porn loophole – It is a traditional dance from my country.

10. Fisting is banned

Oh David. If you put this point last on your list then we can only imagine why but if your school was as hard as I imagine then you have probably been fisted more than the average number of times. I know consent is something you mentioned having two minds about but just think, it may have made you what you are. I just want you to know prime minister that if I ever meet you then I promise not to fist you without your consent.